Lost and Gain

Well, I guess it's another year again. So funny, I literally update my blog once in a year. Neh, it's just nothing much to comment in blog. Just to update myself and leave a note for my future self, I always thought that everything is worth to remember regardless how bad or how good it were.

Well, I have lost one person (I think la) in 2018. Remember everytime I said it was my karma because of something I got cursed (bullshit, trying to give excuses) every even year is my "good" year and every odd year is my hell year. Well, we actually gone through 2017 and I thought we can make it but end up, I end it myself. I really hope this person won't find my blog OMG Amen. It was like this, we were really good friends. First, let us not try to assume everything about that person's feeling, just mine alright. I was really comfortable when I was with him (ya, is a him). I don't know it's like, he is a big brother to me. I remember when I first went into Uni, when I was a young and dumb kid he was there to support me. He will always have my back. He was okay when I annoy him or text him when I was bored. Or, when I was really helpless and he was there. When I got my sem break back home, on laptop on game is always my first thing to do because we will always play games together. He was so much patient that even sometimes I have done some stupid stuff he didn't even scold me. It was just me, myself and I. I took everything for granted. Yala, I admit la I like him also mah. Zomok? Cannot merh? Never see people in love before merh. I was scared also la at first, I knew that I'll ruin this thing one day. I knew it. It's just, I let myself to keep the hope and done things in a worst way to mess it up. It was actually not the first time, and I knew it after the first incident happened we actually created a distance. My friend did actually reminded me not to keep going on and end up I continue lying myself and give so many excuses. Sigh. You know I still remember the last thing he told me " Kelly, everyone has their own problems also, not only you." He was so cold and I don't know maybe I was talking with a stranger, he was completely a different person already that time. Maybe he really annoyed already and I still keep on complaining. And now shit happen. But, I never blame him but to thank him. I was too emotional and overly clingy. I knew that. Nevermind, just let it be. Everything is better now. Sometimes, I will miss the old times also la. Who doesn't? When memories strike. Although we are not those official boyfriend and girlfriend stuff, it's just he used to be a very important friend of mine (maybe it was just me).

One year, one whole year. You never imagine what I had gone through and I almost commit suicide. But what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. I found out that, adult life is never easy. But, thanks to the obstacles, I learnt a LOT. Not sure what will I be in the future, but I hope it's all good. Owh. Btw, I went to my intern already. I was working in an event company. Well, good thing is I wrote a super long daily report everyday because I was really busy especially when there were events going. It was fun and I actually met many new friends and learnt so much. I have a great boss and supervisor to guide me and not to be kiam siap in teaching me. Also, my bunch of young colleague. They are like those cool kids, wearing street wear and fashionable. I stress tahu? I am a girl and I am not as fashionable as them oh my lord. They are friendly and always help me as well. I really touched de lerh, although I don't remember what things la they help me. HAHAHAHHAA... It's really the nicest thing ever in 2018. Great experience and good friends. Ya, still got good things happen in 2018. My instastory was always spamming when I was doing my intern. It was tiring, event whole day until midnight, sometimes we don't even have a proper meal time. Despite, I enjoy and happy with it. I didn't even slim and I don't understand why. I literally sweat like raining everytime event and yet I still gain weight. Not sure why.

Stepping in into my final year. It is tough, super tough. My Final Year Project (FYP) is torturing me. Using my blood to do one, crazy. You know almost every weekend, I have to sleep at 4 or 5am just to finish that 38 pages of report. Reading materials are all crazy shit. We have to face countless assignments, quiz, exam and test. University is slowly killing us. My house the earliest to sleep is like 2am something already. Ya, if you wish to have a late night call, you can call me. I am still wide awake. Not really sure what am I going to work after graduating. I was thinking this question since sem 1 year 1. I am scare I end up doing sales. wtf. I pray hard la really, God, please lead me to find a way out.

I guess that's a sum up for my 2018? Yes, I might lost my friend but I actually gain something that I am really happy for and more wiser in thinking. Pray hard 2019, give me a greater experience and more adventure to go! Happy New Year!

2018

Hello Bloggies. Long time no see. How are you?

      It's been a loooooong time since my last update. I think maybe few months? I promised to update every year end, to remind myself and give myself a space to throw everything I have swallowed for the whole year. So, here I am. 

I think I did mentioned that, I hate 2017. 2017 brings too much troublesome to me but it manage to save me at the almost end of this year. Honestly, at the first few months of the 2017 and also my first year second semester is the toughest I have ever been through. Toughest in mentally. I remember I met a bunch of groupmates who I thought I can rely on. Yea.. I rely on myself at last. 90% of the assignment works I done it individually and I have been rushing here and there to do everything. I cannot. It's like draining my energy. 24 credit hours already took almost half of my life. Assignment non-stop, well I don't blame on that. I blame myself for meeting bunch of "good" teammates or maybe I am too kind to not sound any of them and do it all on my own. BUT.. I learnt from it already okay. 

Right after having such headache stuff outside, nightmares did not end. Went back to my hostel, I meet another nightmare. Is like almost every night, everyday I have to fight with my own mind and I have to keep on reminding myself to stop all the negatives. Almost every night I have to call back to home or my friend to have a 2-3hours complains and complains and complains. Thanks to my family and also my best friend who always be there for me when I really cannot stand myself anymore. Not trying to gush anything or criticizes people but if you can't spread any positive vibes to let anyone feel better at least don't spread negative vibes. For the whole sem I thought I might gone mad or find any shortcut to end these. I actually can feel how depression can kill someone. I am the type who think alot alot alot alot, even if you are joking or accidentally slip your tongue out of so many things. 

In my life, I remember 2 things from 2 people.

"You got no rights to hate me, you are too ugly to hate me"

"See people will always be a princess, and you will always be sitting in this chair be their slave"

I don't know what's wrong with your mind makes you to say these to me. BUT, it's okay. You better remember your words. These 2, always stick in my mind to remind me to be a better person. 

I think... I am out of topic already.

Come back.

Alright, after my first year second semester, it's our big sem break. 3 months. 3 months enough for me to think and think and think. I decided to leave those negatives people. Why do I say they are negative people? Well, I know being honest is not a wrong thing and I accept honesty but you guys are not being honest but criticize, criticize and criticize. I really enough of all these things. Do you really think of my feelings when I really need someone to be there? Do you really stand in my shoes and be me for one day at least one day before you are trying to be bossy infront of me, before you are being selfish and before you speaks all those nonsense negative words? No you did not. You never. And forever you will not understand. Tell me you care, care what? Care because I am always there right? Care I will always lend my hand to help you out whenever you need someone but now I'm gone and you started to say you care right? 

Everyone need someone to be there. Don't take everything for granted. Why I did not speak out the problem? because I don't know how to and I always thought it's my problem for being too naive to trust everyone. Not only for half of the year but it's actually for the whole damn first year. WHAT THE HECK you guys. We are all students who leave our home to came here, I don't know what kind of place is this to study. Not just you. Stop complaining and think of others.

Somehow, I have been sticking all these people for one year and finally I moved out to my new hostel. Met my new roommates and housemates. Actually, not that new, we were coursemates and we knew each other but was staying in different hostel while we were still staying in "Kolej". At first, it was a little bit hard time for me, I couldn't cop with a new environment, new people some more. I couldn't trust anyone but it's really lucky and THANK GOD I met them. I changed my teammates with them, new roommates, new housemates are wayyyyyyyy better. 

It's not like I always want people to prioritize me and treat me like princess something. I just hope we can find the balance in between us where we really can cooperate to take care of everything. I found them now. At least, positive vibes are more than the negatives now. Whenever, I really met trouble or anything I can't solve they willing to lend me a hand and be there for me. Thank you. In deep of my heart thank you for letting me to find myself back. I was lost for the past few months and couldn't be any rational. Thank you

Last but not least, thank you for those who were there for me when I was having my hardship you know who you are. I really really appreciate for what you all have done. Going through all these with me you are really unlucky but you willing to be the unlucky one just to accompany me and by my side. Thank you for accompany me to learn how to grow up. 

2018 will be a better year with you all. Happy New Year.

"If you ever find yourself doubting. You can make it through a challenge, simply think back everything you have overcome in the past " -Karen Salmansohn

My anxiety strikes again

Depression post.

Don't read it if you can't take it.

I am being childish and start blaming all the way.

BECAUSE I AM STAYING STILL FOR MONTHS

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Not to forgot, ADS

Look to your right, there is a sticker "Sharing is Caring"

I've started a travel blog. 

Is just a simple blog where I share the places I have gone and food I ate.

Hope you guys ENJOY

You can click the picture below to enter the Neverland

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I don't know. I started to blame 2017.

Maybe this is the real Uni life.

Maybe I am not good enough.

Maybe I am not as perfect as other people.

Maybe I am just simply stupid.

Have been working really hard for the past few months. 

Maybe not hard enough.

I always wanted to be competitive 

I always wanted to be one of the top

I always wanted to be the one who you mention and everyone's reaction will only be "wow, she is good!"

Maybe I am just not good or even qualify enough to be like this.

Maybe I am way too greedy 

Maybe I am just naive.

I really cannot already.

I have been doing so hard like so hard.

Lecturer like this.

Met group mate like this some more, how to even live.

I want to complain like them.

Complain everything I can like them, but...

Things always come to my mind

There are always something told me "you complain also useless, go do it"

 Ok, I will be the one who do it AGAIN.

People be like "Nevermind la, we got Kelly mah"

Yes, and then all of sudden it become my responsibility to do it and help them.

Can someone, just one person, stop taking me for granted.

I don't expect you will appreciate my hardworking what so ever.

I am the one who willing to do these but please can you all just don't take me for granted and

expect me to do everything myself

and then complain to me when things went wrong

What I hate the most, when people keep on nagging nagging nagging nagging infront of me

Complain complain complain so muchhhhh

BUT NEVER WANT TO DO A THING

I am already reaching the level where I don't want to talk to human anymore

You know for all these months 

I have learnt that, to certain people you don't have to be kind

Seriously, your kindness will only spoil them and making hard time for you.

I remember I read an article

they mentioned that, do not mix up both work and friendship together.

At first I don't agree with it, but now I understand.

You have to separate everything clearly in order to not being stupid.

Moreover *essay mood*

Friendship is not that easy to build. I am serious.

Maybe my insecurity very high, I am so sensitive if comes to meet new people

All of sudden.

I was not like that back then.

I was not.

I don't know what makes me be like this

but don't worry I am still friendly, I won't give you resting bitch face when you smile at me.

Just I don't want to create problem again.

Damn sien one when people are dramatic and hate you all of sudden

I have been through all these and this is sucks

I think I am just trying to avoid problems

YES I AM

Someone motivate me and inspire me or just tell me 

"Is okay.. You are doing well. Keep going. You will success one day"

Everything happen for a reason.

It's been awhile, ever since I started school I have been procrastinate until now.
Assignment due date end of March, I'm dead now.
Been busy looking for houses for next semester as you know our school hostel only allow us to stay there for one year lol.
Unless we join their activities to collect merits. (150 merits min)
Siao merh..

Nobah, lazy bah. That's not a good excuse HAHAHA
Don't have the study mood ._. Sem 1 results gg liao still lazy HAHAHAHA
Still in holiday mood after 1 month
I don't know what happen to this semester lol..
Almost every week got few classes cancelled, lecturer enter class for few minutes then ciao.
Not even feel like having class for this 1 month what the heck.

Too free, even though 22 credit hours.
Too much thing in my mind.
I don't know what is it, I rather it's my study things but nope.
People got insomnia for too many things to think, but I am the opposite side.
I became heavy sleeper. I can't even hear the "morning alarm" anymore like I used to be.
I can't even wake up for 10am or even 2pm class.
I sleep for the whole weekend, yes by just sleeping for 2 days.
This is the most retard moment I have ever been.

Everything happen for a reason I know that.
I refuse to accept the reason.
I keep try and try and try
I still don't get it right.
Maybe it's getting worst until it reaches the level where I should stop
or maybe, I shouldn't even try or even start.
Still thankfully I didn't act like as retard as before.. (That was too ugly until I CANNOT)

I know 2017 again, odd year again.
Things are going to repeat again.
The loop is turning back now.

I've reached the level where I can do nothing anymore and wait for it to happen.

When things happen, I will be dying here...
for sure.

But then think positively, it's good to have them.

My 2017 Chinese New Year is full of laughter because of them.

Wonderful gathering.

It's been a year for not contact, not even talk sometimes but when we gather again

we are like 10 pasar HAHAHAHAH

Having them as my friends, I think I shouldn't complain anything le bah

Why am I so cheezy.. No, thats not the way how we talk AHAHAHAHAH

For real la..

Im glad to have them and my family as well :3

My driver, yamcha kaki, sampat kaki, gossipers, happy pills..

THIS IS TOO MUCH

KBYE

I was just kidding.

How was my previous post?

Sad enough right?
YEA.

AND NOW IS TIME TO GO FOR HAPPINESS!

First of all, on the very first month of 2016.
I was just a fresh graduate student from STPM.
8 months of waiting for UPU result was kind of waste of time.
So, I decided to find a job. Yes, you are right my first job.

It was actually the end of 2015 I started but, still new right so ya, consider as new.
I worked for 7 months.
Nothing special to talk about actually.
Yes, I met new people.
Yes, most of them are good.
Yes, I learn a lot from them too.

I even start get interested in IT from there
I start get interested to plan for event from there
I am serious.

After working for months in there, I actually reconsider about my course.
I realized that, it is not necessarily to go for a so called "professional" course
I do love science and maths, especially Physics.
I changed my UPU choice actually.

Yes, I did fill in the course I wanted the most in the first place.
I actually started to hesitate my own choice.
For the 12 choices, I actually spare out few spaces.

7 months working, waste of time?
Not really but then the same routine is kinda bored.
You know what, I have never been so healthy for a really long time until I went to work.
Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner.. Every meal was like so full and on time.
I remember when I was still schooling, after I start my secondary school I mean.
Breakfast, sometimes I skip, sometimes I only ate a plain bread (no appetite, too early)
Recess time, confirm I don't eat. (That's where my gastric came from lol)
ONLY until lunch, I get to eat more because I heard people said we can eat more during lunch
wont get fat easily they say HAHAHAHA.
Until dinner, my mom cook.

Everything changed after I start my working.

and I gain weight.

Yea....

Okay! Let's not talk about it. HAHAHAHAH
It's been a really hard time for me for the first few months.
That timing, my STPM result came out. Repeat is a must for us science student lol.
For the short 3 weeks., tell me how to cover all sem 3?
Once I got my result, my overall result.
Shut Down.

Pass.

So, after worked for 7 months.
My friend and I decided to go for a trip.
5D4N, Penang,
I always wanted to go a trip w my friend.
Then, we decided to go Penang since we are more familiar with that place.

It was an awesome trip.
Was really awesome!
Somehow, I need to buy a better camera for better photography lol
My pictures are all not that nice tbh lol.

And after the trip, I finally enter University.
University Malaysia Sarawak.
I met new people here too!
It's only semester 1, I am filled with love!

Of course, in between there were conflicts but small matter la.
It was still awesome!

Well, it's exam period now.
I just finish my first paper yesterday, which is last year. lol
HAHAHAHA Get it?

.....

No? Okay...

Owh and not to forgot, I joined Chinese Association in my Uni lol
Like seriously, I never join Chinese thing and this is my first time.
It's not like the usual secondary Chinese Association, trust me. That's why I join :D
I joined their camp as one of the committee as well.
Of course, from camp you know new people met ;)
When you found out you are not the only crazy one.

Overall, it's awesome.
Although within this year, the dark moment can not compare to the dark moment in 2015.
It was still dark okay.
Somehow I still very appreciate people who stay by my side every single moment.
Include people who left, thank you for teaching me a lesson.

I wasn't able to really celebrate the important dates w important people
Still thank God that we did celebrate in advance :3

It doesn't matter who leave, who stay, as long as you appreciate every piece you got from your life, happiness will always be there with you.

Happy New Year

Pizza Party w le housemate

Movie day, free pop-corn!

Another Run in KK

PLKN GIRL UNITE!

Hello, Orientation buddies!

lovely :3

Crazily cut my hair to this short lol

Volunteerism work. Free Ice Cream!

The end of 2016.

"Not everyone you thought you care about will care for you the same as you did to them."

This post will gonna be so dark.

Through out the whole year, the most suffering was actually the first few months of the year.
where my STPM result came out and also my UPU result.
You just can not understand that feeling of when you did all your hard work
and you get nothing pay back.

All the hardship where I've been through in 2015 was crazy.
The moment I got my first result, I am totally OFF.
Instantly system shut down.
I burst into tears. I know I cry a lot too but really..
Instantly, tears come out.
When your favorite course can never be in the list anymore and your dream will never achieve.

The darkest moment of my life.

It was just the beginning of my life.
Unfortunately...

I also realized that
When you are not in the list, you will never be in the list no matter how hard you tried.
It's not about the hard work you gave, it is just simply about you are not the one

All the hard work you gave will never be enough
All the things you have done will never satisfy them
It is just simply because you are not my cup of tea

How sad it is.
Life does not favor you all the time.

I once saw

"Adore those who ignore, ignore those who adore"

When I first saw this sentence, I was like what kind of logic is this
but now, I understand and I even feel it.

Thank you for making me become stronger
Thank you for making me become more independent
Thank you for making me understand what is LIFE.

"Enough is enough."

I always remind myself, but I can never make it.

That's how my 2016 gone.

Still very thankful for people who stay by my side when I was in my worst.

Happy New Year

Journey to University

It's been awhile.
HELLO BLOGGIES!!

so few months before today, I received an offer letter
GUESS WHAT
Im going to UNIVERSITY!!
For the sake of my hardship during form 6, this is it :')
University Malaysia Sarawak a.k.a UniMas

I actually never thought I will be kena here thou .__.
Just like that HAHA

Well, the first moment I step into this Uni I was like...
Wah this is kidding me.
I expect every Unis are like UMS you know
UMS is really a nice Uni, pretty Uni.
and yet I still choose Uni out of Sabah.

The very first week of my orientation, we call it MAP
I forgot the full name.
Torture until I die. Everyday woke up at 4am then, went back hostel at 1am.
Wah, I serious don't know what am I doing there.
Continue one week like that, was like morning till noon we will be at the hall listen talk then night do those cheers thing I really don't know what for.
Maybe they think after class we need to sing Baby Shark to lecturer
Can you imagine everyday sleep for only 2 hours.
How tired it was :')

Tell you some funny story.
We were there in the hall listening to talks
JUST DON'T BLINK YOUR EYES
Every time I blink blink awhile I accidentally fall in sleep.
By just blinking your eyes. I don't even know I fall in sleep you know omghosh
Everyone were just so so sleepy that moment.
It's been awhile I didn't sleep for only 2-3 hours everyday after I graduate from my STPM.
The tiredness no joke, once they say we can sleep awhile..
SHUT DOWN!! no need to wait :') Close your eyes direct fall as sleep already.
HAHAHAHAH

Oh ghosh.

After one week "torturentation", lecture start.
I met my crazy friends :')
everyday routine
Class > Eat > Study > Sleep

Until when assignment appears
wohoo
Different story
Just that, you know every group assignment sure got retards one
I am always the compiler
Compiler a.k.a DBKK.
Every time assignment sure need me do until midnight
Even until now.
I just finish my assignment today
Continue 3days do assignment until 2am.
Crazy..

Just lets not talk about those..
Tell you what, I got friends from Peninsular Malaysia and Sarawak as well.
OMG the retards HAHAHAHA
Sabahan, if we say eraser we call it "Cha zhi jiao" in Chinese..
I remember once I told them, "Eh, borrow eh cha zhi jiao"
Everyone ignore me. I was like "Cha zhi jiaoooo"
They look at me, wtf are talking?
Then I say "Eraser", they were like mind blow
"Eraser then eraser la, cha zhi jiao what"
That day we were actually studying in library while waiting for class then this start
we actually share our language and the way we express that thing OMG I CANNOT
This is too much fun HAHAHAHAH

Owh tell you what,
First thing come to Sarawak, ofcourse... Kuching!!
Kolok Mee!! Kuey Chap!!
I havent go to those pretty place yet oh..
Like Fairy Cave, Waterfall, Beach..
We need to wait after final :)
The most I love "iiao iiao" ICE CREAM YOGURT W FRUITS OMGGGGG
HEAVENNNN

After few months here, sometimes bad things aren't that bad thou.
Our uni got a huge lake and in between there is a bridge we call it "Jambatan Cinta"
I don't know why lol.
And there are really too many dating point here thou. HAHAHAH
Sometimes, group discussion just got me so late to head back to my hostel
During night walking, wow.. The lights, the feels.
SO ROMANTIC I CANNOT
If only Lee Jong Suk is here :') Im gonna date him chehh wah HAHAHAH

People who know me, they can relate.
I just love running and their tee :D
Intergrity Run, Colour Run and Adidas Run.

Wohooo!!
No money eat also want to join
Crazy.
There were once, I join Colour Run and the next day Adidas Run.
I am super salute my running spirit.
The next day, I almost broke my legs lol.

Presentation. I don't know.
I really hate wearing formal, cause it's too hot this weather.
The walking distance to my class already far af, wear like this somemore.
:") Im crying inside.

Too much.
Need to siam already.
BYE.