2018

Hello Bloggies. Long time no see. How are you?

      It's been a loooooong time since my last update. I think maybe few months? I promised to update every year end, to remind myself and give myself a space to throw everything I have swallowed for the whole year. So, here I am. 

I think I did mentioned that, I hate 2017. 2017 brings too much troublesome to me but it manage to save me at the almost end of this year. Honestly, at the first few months of the 2017 and also my first year second semester is the toughest I have ever been through. Toughest in mentally. I remember I met a bunch of groupmates who I thought I can rely on. Yea.. I rely on myself at last. 90% of the assignment works I done it individually and I have been rushing here and there to do everything. I cannot. It's like draining my energy. 24 credit hours already took almost half of my life. Assignment non-stop, well I don't blame on that. I blame myself for meeting bunch of "good" teammates or maybe I am too kind to not sound any of them and do it all on my own. BUT.. I learnt from it already okay. 

Right after having such headache stuff outside, nightmares did not end. Went back to my hostel, I meet another nightmare. Is like almost every night, everyday I have to fight with my own mind and I have to keep on reminding myself to stop all the negatives. Almost every night I have to call back to home or my friend to have a 2-3hours complains and complains and complains. Thanks to my family and also my best friend who always be there for me when I really cannot stand myself anymore. Not trying to gush anything or criticizes people but if you can't spread any positive vibes to let anyone feel better at least don't spread negative vibes. For the whole sem I thought I might gone mad or find any shortcut to end these. I actually can feel how depression can kill someone. I am the type who think alot alot alot alot, even if you are joking or accidentally slip your tongue out of so many things. 

In my life, I remember 2 things from 2 people.

"You got no rights to hate me, you are too ugly to hate me"

"See people will always be a princess, and you will always be sitting in this chair be their slave"

I don't know what's wrong with your mind makes you to say these to me. BUT, it's okay. You better remember your words. These 2, always stick in my mind to remind me to be a better person. 

I think... I am out of topic already.

Come back.

Alright, after my first year second semester, it's our big sem break. 3 months. 3 months enough for me to think and think and think. I decided to leave those negatives people. Why do I say they are negative people? Well, I know being honest is not a wrong thing and I accept honesty but you guys are not being honest but criticize, criticize and criticize. I really enough of all these things. Do you really think of my feelings when I really need someone to be there? Do you really stand in my shoes and be me for one day at least one day before you are trying to be bossy infront of me, before you are being selfish and before you speaks all those nonsense negative words? No you did not. You never. And forever you will not understand. Tell me you care, care what? Care because I am always there right? Care I will always lend my hand to help you out whenever you need someone but now I'm gone and you started to say you care right? 

Everyone need someone to be there. Don't take everything for granted. Why I did not speak out the problem? because I don't know how to and I always thought it's my problem for being too naive to trust everyone. Not only for half of the year but it's actually for the whole damn first year. WHAT THE HECK you guys. We are all students who leave our home to came here, I don't know what kind of place is this to study. Not just you. Stop complaining and think of others.

Somehow, I have been sticking all these people for one year and finally I moved out to my new hostel. Met my new roommates and housemates. Actually, not that new, we were coursemates and we knew each other but was staying in different hostel while we were still staying in "Kolej". At first, it was a little bit hard time for me, I couldn't cop with a new environment, new people some more. I couldn't trust anyone but it's really lucky and THANK GOD I met them. I changed my teammates with them, new roommates, new housemates are wayyyyyyyy better. 

It's not like I always want people to prioritize me and treat me like princess something. I just hope we can find the balance in between us where we really can cooperate to take care of everything. I found them now. At least, positive vibes are more than the negatives now. Whenever, I really met trouble or anything I can't solve they willing to lend me a hand and be there for me. Thank you. In deep of my heart thank you for letting me to find myself back. I was lost for the past few months and couldn't be any rational. Thank you

Last but not least, thank you for those who were there for me when I was having my hardship you know who you are. I really really appreciate for what you all have done. Going through all these with me you are really unlucky but you willing to be the unlucky one just to accompany me and by my side. Thank you for accompany me to learn how to grow up. 

2018 will be a better year with you all. Happy New Year.

"If you ever find yourself doubting. You can make it through a challenge, simply think back everything you have overcome in the past " -Karen Salmansohn